Spiritual Love And Spiritual Discrimination
By Robert Najemy
There are times when we face an inner conflict about how we
should actually behave towards our loved ones when they are
asking us to do things for them that conflict with our sense of
justice, values or ethics or perhaps with our needs for time,
energy or money.
For example, they might ask us:
1. To give them money.
2. To lend them money.
3. To do something for them that is their responsibility.
4. To tell a lie to cover up for them.
5. To go somewhere with them.
6. To avoid someone or not keep company with someone for some
reason.
7. To ignore a certain procedure, protocol or law.
8. To spend time with them.
9. To gossip about someone.
10. To engaged in activities that make us feel uncomfortable.
11. To solve their problems
On the one hand we love that person and want to express our
love by facilitating their needs and helping them be well and
happy. On the other hand, what they are asking may be in
conflict with our needs, attachments, fears, values, ethics or
sense of justice.
In these situations we need "spiritual love with spiritual
discrimination". We need to evaluate what we are being asked to
do and pass it through a few clarifying filters.
1. Is what they are asking us to do in alignment with our
conscience and ethical values?
If yes, move ahead to the remaining questions. If not, you will
need to explain to the others that, while you love them and want
them to be happy, you cannot do something that brings you into
conflict with your conscience. You express to them your hope
that they can understand and that you would not want them ever
to do something for you that would put them in conflict with
their conscience and that you definitely want them to tell you
if and when that happens.
2. Is what they are asking you to do, good for them or might it
harm them?
The answer to this question is not always a clear yes or a
clear no. If they are asking us to pay for illegal drugs or to
become accessories to some crime, the answer might be a clear
"no". But if they want us to give them a home and money while
they refuse to work and carry their load or are taking drugs or
excessively drinking, then we may not be so clear.
On the one hand, we might be helping them by supporting them
and giving them time to be safe while they are able to work
through their problems. On the other hand, they might just
become dependent and do nothing positive for themselves as long
as we cover them economically and they do not actually need to
change or work. This is a dilemma that most parents of drug
addicted children and families in co-dependent relationships
(perhaps with alcoholics) face on a daily basis.
Some parents experience this dilemma with children who would
like to be eternal students or eternal children always depending
on the parents. Some may experience this problem with their
spouse during a period of life crisis. We may have such a
problem with our parents when they lose their energy and feel
the need to depend on us or have our attention.
What do we do? Do we accommodate them unconditionally? Do we
set limits? Do we harm them by allowing them to depend on us? Do
we harm them by not helping them? What is real love in such a
situation?
3. "If we were in the others' position, what would we really
like us to do?
Some of us might answer, "I would like them not to respond so
that I am forced to contact my inner resources and move forward
in my life." Others might answer, "I would like the other to
accommodate my needs for a period of time, so I can stand on my
own feet." A few might answer, "I would like the other to take
over my life and care for everything and I would like to be free
not to do anything or have any responsibilities." Some might
answer, "I need to feel their love through their indulging me at
this time and then I will move on."
I have seen situations in which parents repeatedly solve their
adult children's economic problems, give them their homes etc,
and receive only rejection and often hate from the children. One
reason for this might be that when we help someone by solving
their problems, we are actually saying to them (or they saying
to themselves), "you are weak, unable and worthless." When we do
something for others, that they can do for themselves, we might
be actually undermining their sense of self-worth and
self-confidence and they might end up hating us for that. Of
course, they might also hate us for not helping them.
Note: The point here is not a question of whether or not they
will love us, but a question of what is the most beneficial and
loving response from us in this situation.
Twelve-step groups suggest to the family members what they call
"tough love." Show love, but do not play their games. Do not
cover up for them. Do not pretend there is no problem. Love them
but do not support their problem. Love them but expect
responsibility. Love them but employ natural and logical
consequences when they are not responsible. Express your love to
them regularly while being totally honest about your feelings
and needs.
The same problem occasionally occurs between ill or elderly
persons and their caretakers. As caretakers we are not always
clear about how much help others really need and what limits are
good for them and for us. We are being asked to express love in
very specific ways. Some care for others in unloving, totally
mechanical ways. We need to find our balance. Love and serve
while being honest with ourselves and the others about what we
really feel that we can do for them and they can do for
themselves.
4. Have I given them enough chances? Have I helped enough
times but seen that they are not taking responsibility for their
lives? Do I feel that I need to give them more chances?
The answer to this question is not a matter of numbers or time
but rather a feeling that we have. At some point it just becomes
clear that we have done enough and that we can continue to love
and emotionally support others without solving their problems or
complying with their needs. We clearly feel that we can help
them much more by allowing them to become more self-dependent.
We can always be there for them emotionally offering love and
support as they now seek to find solutions for their problems.
Such clarity of feeling usually arises from an appreciation of
of balance in how many times and for what duration we have
helped this person, and what type of effort we perceive on their
part.
We must also free ourselves from the role of the savior, parent
or the responsible one. In such roles we need the others to need
us. We might complain that they do nothing and depend on us, but
subconsciously we need them to be this way. We get our feelings
of self-worth and security and even meaning in life by being
indispensable for the others. Many parents have undermined their
children in this way.
We need to distinguish between helping because we love someone,
and helping because that makes us feel worthy or important or
strong. Are we doing this for them or for us?
Another trap is to help others with what they can do themselves
because we feel guilty. They play with our guilt and control us.
This is not love. It is guilt. Are we helping because we love
others and believe that they will benefit from what we do or
because we will feel guilty and responsible for their reality? A
lot of emotional blackmail takes place around guilt.
5. Are we helping the other because we believe they cannot do
this for themselves or because we are afraid they will cease
loving us if we do not? Is this love or a fear of not being
loved? If we were sure they would love us even if we did not
help them, would we do what they are asking?
6. Am I doing this because I believe I am responsible for the
others' reality or as a way to help them get started? Am I
solving their problem or helping solve their own? I am giving
them a fish or teaching them how to fish? Do I believe that the
other is incapable, unable to solve his or her own problems? Our
help should be like coming across someone whose car won't start.
We push them until their motor starts and then we let them
continue on their own. It would be ineffective for them and us
to keep pushing them once they got started.
7. Do I perceive the others as souls in evolution? Is what I am
doing helping the other grow more emotionally and spiritually
responsible and mature? Or am I simply allowing the personality
to become irresponsible and dependent?
This is not always clear cut. Others may actually need to be
taken care of for periods of time and that might be exactly what
we need to do with love for our own evolution. Often however, we
pass over the boundaries that are healthy for them and us.
Our personality seeks external security and approval. As souls
we already experience self-worth and security. If we pamper
others we may make them weaker and even more dependent on
external solutions obstructing their emotional and spiritual
maturity. But if we abandon them in a critical moment in their
life, that walking away may temporarily harm them.
8. Do we have enough inclination, time, energy and / or money
to do what is being asked of us?
What is our lesson here - to overcome the limitations of our
tendencies, time, energy and money and lovingly give more than
we easily can, or to be able to say "no" with love.
What we often do in such cases is to create negative feelings
and begrudgingly do what they want or get angry and lose our
love because others are asking more than we can and want to
give. We often feel the need to get angry and close our heart
because we feel so uncomfortable with saying no and are so sure
we will lose the others love if we gave less.
We need to remember that love requires truth and that we have
every right to be loved even when we cannot accommodate the
others' needs or requests. If we can love others even when they
do not satisfy our needs, then we can feel comfortable with
expressing our choice, with love, not to respond to the needs of
others. When we emit love, there will be love.
We need to determine what our lesson is in each specific
moment, by considering how important the others' needs are, how
true it is that they cannot find other solutions and how much
energy, time, money and inclination we have in the moment to
respond. Once we make that evaluation, we either do what they
are asking with love and thus receive energy from our love to
do, or, explain with love that we cannot or choose not to help
them at the moment and the reasons for our decision.
9. Can we do this with love?
Or will we be doing it as a responsibility or out of fear of
not being a good person or fear of what others might say, or
fear of losing the others love?
This is an essential question. If we answer, "no" I cannot do
this with love and joy, perhaps our lesson is to be able to
explain with love to the other that we prefer not to do what is
asked and the reasons why.
However our lesson might be just the opposite. We may be being
asked to let go of inner obstacles that prevent us from being
able to do what they are asking with love and joy.
Only you can know what your lesson is.
True love encompasses both being free to serve with love and
joy and also being able to lovingly say no.
About the Author: Robert Elias Najemy, a life coach with 30
years of experience, is the author of over 20 books, 600
articles and 400 lectures on Human Harmony. Download wonderful
ebooks, 100's of free articles, courses, and mp3 audio lectures
at http://www.HolisticHarmony.com. Find 8 of his books at
Source: http://www.isnare.com
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